im random, who are you?

I feel like a little kid and my big brother just stole my last piece of candy.

I have been looking forward to tonight since last weekend. I got all ready. Well sort of. I did my hair. And I’ve been waiting to do my make-up till it was closer to when he was going to come pick me up.

BUT!

I just got a text from him and he’s still at his field trip. Which is at least a 3.5 hour drive away not including any stops they make. Then they have to clean up their equipment. So that’s probably another hour. So he’ll probably make it back to his place around 10:30 - 11:00 PM. No time for me tonight.

I am so disappointed. It was like I was inside this fantastic bubble and it just burst. I am hoping that when he gets back he texts me and is like “do you still wanna come over.” Because that would be the best thing ever.

I wouldn’t be that upset over this if I wasn’t leaving town this Thursday. The only weekend that I’m not in town, he doesn’t have a THING to do. Then the weekend of the 24th, he has army stuff, so he’s going to be busy again. There is a CHANCE that we might hang out for an hour or so on Saturday night. But then again, that’s just a possibility. Just like tonight was a possibility.

Oh how I wish he’d change his mind.

I doubt it though, especially since he just texted me and said, “Skype date later?” lol

Now I’m in a horrible mood. Time to eat some brownies.

he likes me.

i like him.

he is always busy.

we have hung out twice. but we talk all the time. i know so much about him and i love talking to him. his life is always on the go though. i wish we had more time to hang out.

he is in the national guard, so he has a lot of training to do. especially since he’s doing the officer training school. then add in school, and he’s neverrrrr free.

and with the army, he can’t actually make plans because it seems like he’s always gotta go or be somewhere with them. its frustrating, but i feel like its worth it.

i haven’t ever met anyone who i have so much in common with. someone who i can be myself around. someone who i enjoy being with. someone who likes me for me.

i feel like although he’s going to be super busy, that if i stay calm, cool and flexible, we can make it work. i want to try. i want to give it a shot. i want to see what will happen. i don’t want to not try solely because he’s busy right now.

he’s not always going to be busy. and he wont be deployed till 2012. most likely.

there is just so much about him that i like. so much potential. i want to risk it all to find out if he’s worth it.

am i crazy?

its over. finally. i was sad. but only because when i confronted him he acted so nonchalantly as if he knew it was coming. the fact that he didn’t seem to care at all. thats what upset me. but i’m over it. i have been saying this for weeks now. and its finally over. i can close the door on this loser for good. 

well almost.

i have his phone charger and he has my calculator.

i want my calculator back. its a ti-89 which is worth money. i refuse to let him make off with something that could be benficial to him when its mine. so i have to face him on wed.

but that’s ok cause i will look fly when i see him. (lol) and he’ll remember me as the great, kind person i am. and one day when he’s with a girl who he wishes would be as generous, kind and loving as i was, he’ll think of me.

besides, i deserve better. and i know that person is out there. for now i am not gonna look. (he’s sure to come around soon enough) i’m gonna focus on school. i need to get straight As this semester.

and i will do it.

peace&skittles

there isn’t anything i hate more than playing the waiting/guessing game. it pisses me off. yet i can’t help the fact that i’m in a situation/relationship in which i play this game almost daily.

why? why do i allow myself this torture if i hate it so much?

is it because i secretly like it?

i doubt that.

is it because i like him more than i think?

probably not.

then why? why?!

i don’t know. but i do know that i want to see him. i haven’t seen him in over a week. i’ve barely talked to him either.

i miss him. i miss how much time we used to spend together. i got used to all the time he spent with me over the summer. and now with work and school he barely has time to see me or even talk to me.

i just dont know if i want to be in a relationship where i can’t see the person more than once a week. i definitely don’t know if i can take much longer of not even talking to him. i seriously feel like i don’t even have a relationship with him. i want a relationship. not just some guy i say i’m in a relationship with.

i gave him a week. i didn’t expect any text messages or anything in return. i waited. patiently. did i get let down? no. because i didn’t expect anything, and thats exactly what i got. nothing.

so what do i do? do i continue to not expect any type of communication with him, and go about my life not even knowing when the next time i’ll see him? i don’t call that a relationship. for all intents and purposes, i should be single.

i want to make plans for tomorrow. its labor day. i’m off work & school. i know he’s off too. will he call me? does he want to hang out with me or does he want to skate? he hasn’t even text me today. i like to plan things. i could plan something to do tomorrow, but part of me wants to wait for him.

why? why wait for him?

why am i waiting for a guy to dictate what i’m gonna do in my life? i’m tired of it. i’m just confused. i don’t know how long is too long. last time i felt like i waited too long. i don’t want to wait too long this time.

maybe i will give it another week. this time, i wont text him. i wont initiate any of the communication. and see if he does. if he doesn’t, then obviously we don’t need to be together.

lets hope that he changes. or i dont think i can play this game anymore. i’m already at my limit.

maybe we were better off just as friends. i can be friends. this other bullshit i can’t handle.

when she asked him, “why do you like me” he responded, “i honestly enjoy hanging out with you. i enjoy spending time with you.”

no matter how many times i try to break it off, i just can’t do it. especially after the things you say to me, even when i’m yelling at you.

sorry, i’m such a horrible girlfriend.

So I have been getting frustrated with John lately. I haven’t seen him in about a week and so naturally I’m starting to miss him. But more importantly, I’m getting annoyed because every time I try to talk to him, I don’t get a response. I’ll text him “hey are you off today?” and won’t get a response. Not even the next day. Just nothing. So then the next day I’ll wait to see if he’ll text me. Nope. Nothing. So then the next day, I’ll text “hey whats up?” and I wont get anything. Its been like this for about two weeks. I was bound to give up.

Then tonight he texts me back finally. I asked him earlier today when he was off. So originally, it sounded like he was just telling me that he’s busy and that tomorrow he’s busy and then has to go to work. So of course I just explode. Because I feel like he’s just texting me to tell me he’s busy. So I tell him, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t feel the same. And he tells me “ugh I was actually asking you to hang out tomorrow but okay”

Okay, no you didn’t ask me that. You told me you had work. So we start text fighting. I tell him that I feel like I’m being ignored because he doesn’t return my text messages. He tells me, sorry I’m busy at work. I’m broke. I need to work. And sorry for not worrying enough about us. And I don’t feel like my argument is wrong. I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable or asking for too much. All I want is a text back so I don’t feel like I’m being ignored by someone I care about and who is supposed to care about me.

So I asked him, does he like me enough to try. And I get “look I like you ok”. Obviously he’s getting frustrated now too. He said, Sorry I’m not perfect. No one is perfect. And we’re gonna be busy, working and going to school. But I want to be with someone who likes me enough to try. Someone who cares about me and thinks about me and wants to know how my day was. I know I can’t be with him everyday. Our lives are busy. But I want to know that I will be responded to. If that is the only form of communication I can have, I want to know that I will eventually get it.

Being ignored by someone you care about isn’t fun. And I may have gotten mad and exploded but I didn’t know if I would be seeing him anytime soon or if he was even going to respond to me.

We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow, and I really hope that I can get some reassurance.

If not, I really don’t think that I can risk being in this relationship. School is stressful enough. I don’t need a stressful relationship when it doesn’t have to be.